who’s the bitch? | 5 rules for introducing your new date

I tend to get estrogen flowing around me- and that means men become more normal (as in, they don’t feel like slapping their dick on the table), and women become more aggressive. IT’s (yeah, that’s right, I’ll call it “IT”, all caps, that’s how big a role IT played in my life so far) somewhat funny and sometimes burlesque, specifically since when the women see the men getting gentler, they sometimes get insecure and that makes them even more aggressive. Depending on the group, it can be a neverending, drama-ridden dynamic that makes for some damn fun parties.

I don’t know where IT is coming from, but IT has been there since I was a child. Maybe IT is my fearing almost nothing. Or maybe IT is that I only believe what I can see and hear myself, so I don’t usually make prejudged calls about anyone (tabula rasa, ring a bell?). Or maybe IT is that I’m aware of my body and my inner self and truly curious about anyone new, mind and body alike. Whatever IT is, IT’s a treat that makes my friends make fun of me, and helps me make new friends based on how long it takes new people to get over IT. And when I meet one who can act normal around whatever screwed up pheromones I’m oozing, it’s usually magic. On both ends.

I have to admit I’ve had times in my life when I overexercised my IT. When I would let it work on new girlfriends of old guyfriends. And we all know how that can end up, don’t we?

But come on, people, we’ve all been in that scenario. The one in which a good friend (let’s call them X) is bringing along their new partner they’ve been raving about for a while (let’s call them Y), to present them to the rest of the gang. And Y SUCKS. Or our friend X is completely transformed, and THEY SUCK, TOO. It’s that awkward situation in which you feel like slapping X, shaking them and asking them: “Really?!? Seriously?!??”

So, here you go. A few things to think about when you’re bringing your new girlfriend/ boyfriend into your group of old friends. Think.

1. Y is not a mushroom- sitting on your leg all night, or by your side, like you’re a log, is weird. You’re not Siamese twins and you brought them out so we can meet them, right? Make Y grab a chair or, better yet, have them move around the room so they can talk to everyone.

2. Do not speak for Y. If I ask them a question, let them answer it. I want to get to know them, not what your horny ass thinks they think.

3. Do not speak for me. If Y asks something and you think they’re not going to like my answer, do not interrupt. Let them have it. They’re adults, they can handle it, and I can totally stand by my opinions without you justifying them- or me as a whole. Shut up and let us get to know each other, good or bad.

4. Don’t tell me how good a fuck Y is- not the first time I meet them. They deserve better than me picturing them going down on you, so don’t cloud my judgment. They’re a person. I want to meet as a person, not as your sex toy.

5. Don’t make us lie for you. Whatever you told Y about yourself is your prerogative- but having your friends covering for your heroic, made-up story is pathetic. And so is changing your behavior completely when in their presence. If they are not bringing out the best in you without you feeling like you need to lie, sugarcoat or turn your life upside down, well, maybe, Y is not your IT.

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7 thoughts on “who’s the bitch? | 5 rules for introducing your new date

  1. Marcelina says:

    :)))) foarte taree!!mai ales ca se intampla in minim 95 % din cazuri!frumos prezentat!

    • danasandu says:

      saru’mana. Pai da, se intampla…cam toti am fost acolo. Mie chiar mi s-a intamplat sa fiu de ambele parti (deloc flatant, da’ asta e adevarul) 🙂

  2. elif - elena says:

    This IT … i am curious what your point would be from the other side of the barricade:)? how life would have been without charisma, oozing estrogen and fierless self confidence?

    As usual great post:) .. a bit condecending , but still nice!!

    • danasandu says:

      a very good question… I really don’t know. Quite a few of my friends tend to be a bit shy/reserved, and through them I’ve always had access to the other side- it is a wiser, less conflictual, less drastic, more elegant life. But I don’t know what it would really be like for me.
      What I do know is that, with or without someone blunt like me in the room, the introduction of a new date can be, well, straight up lame.

  3. Thanks Dana I know we have never met but I know now that when we do I am going to like you from the start. The question is will you like me?

    • danasandu says:

      Looool!!!
      Darling lady, I already adore you, and your commitment to good art, and your thoughtful sense of humor! I CANNOT wait to meet you in person.

  4. Anukene says:

    No wonder you’ve never met my dates…

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