why I’ll never make a good raw vegan | part I

Raw vegans are too. friggin’. HAPPY.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a lighthearted person (sure, a little uptight, since I’m a perfectionist planner- but I do let my hair down. Hard). I sing, I laugh, I make others laugh, I enjoy throwing a good spectacle just as much as the next gal over, and I sometimes naaz (look it up, it’s a Persian word too hard to explain. Synonym to “a (se) alinta”, in Romanian). I think nothing of pain. I’m not afraid of stuff. I complain much, but after a certain point I put my hands in the air and look on the fun side of things, no matter how severe.

I possess a sometimes life-threatening lightness of being my friends love me for (that, of course, annoys the shit out of strangers). I even use diminutives in all the languages I speak. But only when they’re called for, get the drift?

On the other hand now, raw vegans are full-on, round-the-clock, sprinkle- covered daisies. Everything is full of life, everything is full of vitamins and, as a result, everything is -let’s-say-it-together- full of ENERGY!!! So, so much ENERGY!!!!! Words can’t really, possibly, ever express the ENERGY,…!!!!!!

Their attitudes are so ever positive, their pets bear names like Thor and Gaia (big, wise, world- containing, old and oh-so-deep names) and their blogs, light peach or light green in color, profess more “yum”s than a bad Food Network late morning show. Plus, the pictures!!! The beautiful china, the droplets of water incredibly placed right on the tip of those bursting-with-life leaves, the sun beams, the Instagram!!

Um, NO. The chlorellapowder- twostalkscelery- oneapple- 2strawberries- onecloveofgarlic morning smoothie is NOT  yum. In fact, it looks like the juice from the bad end of a chicken. It tastes exactly like what one imagines its smell to be- warm, earthy, somewhat decomposing, a bit metallic and oddly wetter than you would expect any liquid to be. And, yes, it makes you fart in a way that is only useful if you’re a competitive swimmer and need some extra propulsion.

So, no.

I really, sincerely admire your convictions. I even do one raw day a week. I get that you’re, somehow, happy- but, just like a fart, do contain it.

(You can now follow me on Bloglovin, too.)

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